Can’t yet let go of him…

Gina couldn’t forget him. She was still living him. She knew she can’t let go of him. She was alone in her exterior self but knew he was wrapped around her like always. Days had passed so did the months but she knew can’t yet let go of him. Life was moving briskly. Daniel was there too but she knew she was still alone.

Daniel took her out ice skating and for long walks. His presence made Gina miss him even more. She felt guilty of being with Daniel. She felt miserable on her own misery. She was not yet ready to move on. She wanted the moment to freeze and let her be with him.

Daniel took her out for a dinner and told her she looked lovely. She smiled. He even made her laugh on his jokes. ‘Oh you’re so funny, stop it Nick‘ -she was silent. She knew it was said and tarnishly done.

Daniel smiled and said- ‘for one second I also felt like being someone else’s Nick’. He kept looking at her with hundred questions in his disappointed eyes knowing for sure there won’t be any answers. He felt pity at himself -not at Gina. He felt pity why he couldn’t help her forget. He pitied at his status quo of stuck being her friend. He was getting jealous of Nick- a man for whom he had written a beautiful eulogy. He felt mad at himself of feeling jealous of his dead friend. But at that moment all that really mattered was he wanted Gina to love him back as he did.

Gina kept silent. She thought about her wedding vows- the promises of loving till eternity. She knew she was cheating on Nick. She wanted to live with his memories, his old clothes, cologne, guitar, glasses, old stubs of cigarettes and his touch on her fragile body. She knew she can’t go on ahead. She didn’t want to leave Nick in a far unknown insipid space where he knew no one. She wanted to protect him from his agony. She didn’t wanted to make the same mistake of letting him go alone in his sickness or his survival battles in hospital. She knew it she can’t yet let go of him.

Daniel must have left the table while she was thinking about her wedding vows. The maitre’d came and asked -’Ma’am I suppose you’re now by yourself.’ So true -she was truly now by herself and with some bizarre memories of past that were now fading away. She feared for her mind to forget his face or his memories. She wanted to grow old with them. But she wasn’t.

She left the table and followed Daniel. He was walking looking down at the street. Daniel was thinking how the road was trailing behind with his each step forward. It was syllogistic to his trying to go near Gina and her moving away from him. He half convinced his mind to forget ideas of ever having things develop between him and Gina.

Gina called out his name correctly this time. Daniel didn’t look up or turn towards her. His half convinced mind was now stopping his love filled heart to sway once again at her melting looks or proposing voice. He felt the sharp effects of pendulum striking his two sides brutally and not coming out with a noetic decision.

‘I want to enjoy the luxury of turning old without worrying about thoughts of loneliness. I want you to help me forget the pain, the watermark face of Nick or his smell on my body and even his slightest touch. Will you help me?’. Gina knew his next few words would either give her a blow so tight right up her whole sanity or would give her a momentum of hope of being declared innocent from charges of infidelity.

Daniel was happy that the process of convincing was only half way through up his whole system. He was glad it hadn’t yet reached his heart where he preserved a hope for years that she’d be his and he’d be hers. He was happy to know that he was able to enjoy this feeling when it was required and not when it didn’t meant anything significant in his pursuit of life.

He was now prepared to turn back and she knew now it was the moment where she can let go of him.