I love you

Eyes are burning a bit and I am having trouble breathing. Has it ever happened to you- that you are so much possessed by someone’s thought that it chokes you. I remember one session from my personality development class when a girl started crying after reading an article that talked about her father and how she missed him. I went to her and hugged her tightly and told her to cry as much as she wanted….the other students were grim too and asked to dissolve the class. And I did so wondering about her. I also remember my friend from Uni who folded his hands and said thanks to all after his rasampagdi at his dad’s memorial. I cried a lot that day after we came out. I just couldn’t believe what all he must have been going through at such young age! I feared being in their position.

I somehow bitterly remember the day before holi when I was eating my dinner and they were sitting on the bed. I told them that they will have to come and stay with me in New Zealand and how awkwardly he said - he won’t be there when that time would come. I shrieked out and told him to stop. The thought was scary and made me believe that before anything like that could happen I’ll be dead. Isn’t it mysterious how we think at the thought of losing someone we love so much..and..how carelessly we take it for granted that we won’t be able to live without them…and then one day a strong force takes them away and we still continue to live and most important- laugh, smile and see faded face of them!

I sometimes feel as the poorest person on the earth. I sometimes feel jealous of those who get to see their loved ones see their success. I don’t have him to see my success -forget that he wasn’t there to bid me farewell at the day which I feared that I may hug him forever and won’t leave at all..no matter the groom and his family kept waiting. He wasn’t there to select my wedding trousseau or give me tips about colors inspite of helping me out buying every single birthday outfit. He wasn’t there when I left the country knowing nothing. I feel jealous….I curse few people….I want to see them facing bad times- may be get paralysed for life……or lose out their loved ones….I feel like yelling out swear words till my lungs protrude…the same set of people who contributed in killing him silently….the same set of people who mock someone’s mourning…….May god their bodies rot in hell and be infested by millions of scavengers chewing every bit of their flesh and suck their blood!

I also have my own share of hurting him…but I am glad he was happy with the decisions and choices I made in his last days….he was proud! I miss him every time I think about having a baby…I feel jealous of all other kids and nephews and nieces he had taken in his lap and played silly games. I feel pity for my own kids who won’t be able to meet such a great person. I feel sick of myself for not being able to do anything..

Above all I feel hatred…I hate him severely..I hate him for not listening to me..not waiting for me till morning and leaving without saying bye…I hate him for not loving me so much to stay to see me happy and successful….I would always hate him for leaving…….I would almost hate him for making my mom a depressing soul….I would always hate him for making me feel vulnerable…I would always hate him for loving him endlessly and madly.

I have been avoiding the relevance of today in fear of losing self control and level of sanity I have attained finally after a year……I have been listening to songs and keeping myself insanely busy at workplace to avoid any thoughts of him…….I did wish him this morning but one look in his innocent eyes- made me feel bad!! It made me utter not a single word more than -HAPPY BIRTHDAY……and with misty eyes I picked up my coat and left home. Evening was equally worse….Papa called up and talked about him a bit and I got the same choky feeling and I simply passed on the phone and started making halwa thinking how happy he was when I first time cooked something -he got me a chocolate as a gift! I prayed and did the aarti- and kept thinking about his cherubic face and smile and how he always sang with me while snapping his fingers……….(chutki) I couldn’t see anything after that….same thing happened in temple…I kept seeing his happy face…the more happy his face seemed the more sad I became. I kept looking at the idol of Hanuman ji and kept thinking how he didn’t take care of him when he needed the most- how he cheated his devotee.

I miss him every second…..I listen to his favorite songs….do the things he liked….I am continuing writing and poetry for he gave me my first pink book to jot down the poems I wrote at the tender age of 4.

I miss you…..

Suhaani Raat dhal chuki, Na jaane tum kab aaoge,

Jahaan ki rut badal chuki, Na jaane tum kab aaoge!

I miss him calling me and asking me -Ghar kab aa rahi ho? I still get this line on phone when mom makes call from your mobile! I miss you-please come just once….I beg you just once-just once…..I need to touch you…………hug you….and tell you- YOU’RE THE BEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET OR POSSIBLE EVER MEET IN MY LONG SAD LIFE….

Take me where you’re when ever you feel alone- I’ll be there…just waiting for your nod! I love you deeply!