Remnants


Most people sympathise with you but very few help lessen the absence of a lost parent. Warm thanks to all those in the latter category.

I wonder many times daily, how would my life be like if he was around. How our phone calls would be like? How often would we video chat or how would he react to my updates on fb.

I usually walk near a cemetery because the path is serene and majestic with a lake on the side. I imagine if my parents were visiting, I would go on walk with Papa.

The other day I was doing my evening walk and decided to read the many headstones there. Loving fathers, mothers, grandparents, heroes, rockstars! I read them all.

I kept walking and crying slowly. Felt this urgency to get to see him once more. Tell him how much I love him. That’s the last thing I told him in the hospital after kissing his forehead and telling him ‘I will see you in the morning‘. He heard me and nodded even though he was heavily sedated. The next morning was ugly.

Kept walking and reading the headstones. Read what legacy people had left behind.

As per Hindu traditions, everything is donated once the soul departs. My mom gave away everything. I remember fighting with her in Haridwar when she gave away his glasses. I cried. I screamed.

What no one knows is I stole one of his kurta. It is still with me. I smell it. After 7 years I still try to smell him.

I often think what all I could have done to undo things. Frankly. I could have done nothing.

Then I thought what can I do so that the life he left incomplete gets completed. Kept walking and reading the headstones.

Then I realised his whole life was spent in doing things for others. He never got to enjoy his own life.

I promised myself not to do that. To be selfish and live not little but lot.

I looked up in the sky while thinking what if he also had a grave that I could visit. A grave that was his remnant. That point I badly wanted some legacy, a remnant of him to touch and cry. Then I touched my heart.

I realised I am my father’s most precious legacy.

I have to wear the best shoes because he wore torn shoes.

I have to see the world because he told me he will not be able to come to NZ because he won’t live by then.

I have to be happy because he told me how he felt unloved.

Don’t worry Papa, I will be happy because whatever that is left of you is the entire me who has to live royally for both of us!

Learning it the hard way


It is astonishing how your closest friends will say the most acerbic statements to you in a spur of a moment and won’t even feel sorry. Your kind soul might give them a benefit of doubt by blaming stressful life, PMS or just being a temporary bit**.

Under the cloak of jest, friendship is often abused. I have been at the receiving end of it just because *takes a moment for this* – I am unemployed. I, like my girl community over think the statement again and again. I have realised that in the past I must have also uttered inanities to my friends as well. I can actually recall two incidents where I was consciously being a bit**. I apologised to one of them by picking the phone once I reached home and saying  sorry. The other one, I never got around saying sorry.

Now why I end up being bruised by these statements:

1. I tend to do a LOT for friends whom I consider family. Specially when you are living abroad you need to have a close set of friends else it gets severely depressing.

2. Number 1 leads to high expectations.

3. I avoid conflicts. I hate loud fights. I hate when people in a spur of a moment forget their limitations.

4. I mostly smile when some inanity is reflected towards me rather than answering back owing to our relationship history or seniority (if the said friend is senior to me).

Four recent incidents have made me write this post. I have been continuously over thinking why these  people behaved in the way they did. I am not going to confront these people – not because I am a coward (the direct term used by one of them who was hell bent on shoving their morality down my throat).

I have been subjected to constant jibes, raised voices and verbal abuse while growing up. I know there is no point in yelling back. You only projectile the dirt back onto yourself. I learnt this the hard way in 2007. I am a totally different person ever since that year.

What I have decided to adopt is this:

Learning it the hard way. But the good news is I am learning.

Learning it the hard way. But the good news is I am learning.

1. If your so called close friend or even a family member is continuously taking jibes at you or is ignorantly causing you grief, best is to stay away from them.

2. Focus on cultivating your passion. If you don’t have a passion, focus on finding what drives you.

3. Promise yourself to emerge as a better person, to not being a pushover, to focus more on life’s goal.

I realized one of my life long goals in 2012. I am now going to focus on the next two goals – one personal and one professional. 

4. Being successful is the only quality that earns you respect. No matter how nice you are, being kind is a cheap quality these days it seems.

I am sad at the same time to give in to the hardcore materialistic way of life. But I got to change with time before I am crushed to dust. And to people who drag you down because you are unemployed – please eff off.  It takes guts to quit an amazing job to focus on yourself.

To my detractors, I will only rise from now on. Don’t want anymore of your fake friendship or cynicism or banal advice.

Forgiveness will always be a long process where the inanity behind it might be caused in a spur of a moment.

Life has become the future


“Did you know that for pretty much the entire history of the human species, the average life span was less than thirty years? You could count on ten years or so of real adulthood, right? There was no planning for retirement, There was no planning for a career. There was no planning. No time for planning. No time for a future. But then the life spans started getting longer, and people started having more and more future. And now life has become the future. Every moment of your life is lived for the future–you go to high school so you can go to college so you can get a good job so you can get a nice house so you can afford to send your kids to college so they can get a good job so they can get a nice house so they can afford to send their kids to college.”
― John Green, Paper Towns

I find my peace by looking at the flowers left on the graves.

I find my peace by looking at the flowers left on the graves.

Getting over


I will get over you. Even though there was no closure, I will. I will let my heart prepare for excruciating pain that will last for months. But this pain will be less painful than the pain I get daily from not hearing from you, not looking into your eyes, not telling you silly things, not letting you go.I will be fine. I guess. I am hopeful.

The mere thought of stretching this comatose relationship while putting it on odd messages’ ventilator support is inhuman. It needs to be set free; to be euthanised – into an indefinite dead stage, where you and I could breathe finally.

We have been choking on each others’ monumental expectations, on each others’ time windows. I beg, you yearn – this needs to be stopped. We need to be brave. We need to mingle in our own social circles to help us fill the vacuum we have left in each others’ laughter. I will be slightly tipsy while dressed looking all sorts of gorgeusness. Not thinking even once about clicking a pic for you. Not thinking even once if you could be there in the mix of crowd as my comforting face telling me shhhhhh I know you way more than these morons.

I will be fine. You will be fine too. The feelings will remain forever because ‘we are each others’ that single person we will always have feelings for no matter what’. 
Just that we won’t be talking. We won’t be expecting anything anymore. We will find another person who will help us fill in the large vacuum.

====================================================================

Currently listening to – Sau dard hai.

Behta hain paani behne de, waqt ko yuhi rehne de

Dariyaa ne karwat li hai toh sahilon ko sehne de

Sau hasratein par tera gham nahii

Sau dard hain,sau rahatein sab mila dil nashin ek tu hi nahii

 

Originally posted here.

Come back to me


Come back to me. I want to see you, take that warm palm of yours..that is full of so many complicated lines that intersect at so many places. I wonder where I fit into that fate line. Let me hold your palm. It is bit rough and I like it. Makes it even more inviting to hold it.
 
Let’s spend some time together. In the same coordinates of the universe. Spend a day together. Just talking nonsense. Or even better, don’t say a word. Just make few shapes with our fingers and play with their shadows on the wall. Just find something new about each other. Notice a mole or a scar on our skin. Notice how the lines on our faces changed since the time we met.  Just watch each other breathing. 
Then fall asleep when the eyes would give up after staring. Then let our dreams continue our story.
 
Partners in rhyme

Partners in rhyme

====================================================================
Currently listening to – Your body is a wonderland // Something ’bout the way the hair falls in your face 
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase //
 
This post was inspired after some heavy J. Mayer dosage. I am trippin’ on Born and Raised. Hey, he got me out of oblivion on this blog space.
 
 
 

2011 : A Closure


Dear 2011,
Thank you for finally coming to your tail end. I have been waiting for you to get over since May 2011. You have been brutal. You have been kind. You have been taunting. You have been encouraging. You tested my patience. You tested my mood swings. You tested my relationships. You shaped my personality. You have been a year that’s made of character building stuff.
 
You are now ending with a smile on my lips and a boost of self-confidence. Please keep the vibes alive for 2012 and beyond.
 
And dear readers, thank you for subscribing to this blog. No, seriously! It feels great to receive so much love. I am feeling encouraged to post regularly.
Wish me for the new innings. A big challenge will start from 9 January, 2012 and I am excited and nervous at the same time.
 
Love,
md610
xx
 
And now for keeping the blog’s tradition alive with the top entries.
 
The moments captured in my heart (with some vaaaa on the side *pout pout*)
 
  1. Valentine’s Day Surprise Cruise
  2. 6 May – And we graduated! Missed mom dad but basked in the comforting warmth of A who stood by me like a rock during all the troubling times.
  3. 2 September – Big day for daddy’s lil girl. I know he is proud of me for expanding my purchasing horizon wider than shoes and dresses.
  4. 28 October – Glimpse of the oasis. There is a silver lining to all dark clouds. Light at the end of a four year old bumpy tunnel stretch.
  5. 5 November – A ‘ground breaking’ day.
 
The Angels (in no order as they have equal space in my heart )
 
Mum Dad – They heard our rants, they advised us, they coached us. They were the lifeboat that kept us floating. They helped us take wiser decisions. Above all, for they counted us in their blessings.
 
Prashant and Sujatha – For being our family here. For many late nights. For several chat sessions. For being adorable Vedant and Dhruv’s Kaki.
 
Frank and Saloni – For being a mentor for our new challenge. For being the ones who knew what we were going through. For opening their house and their heart to us. A special polar bear hug to Suhaan. Let’s go to Bunnings * repeat 10,000 times. :P
 
Mridu – For hearing me out. For being the first person to actually tell me I am her Best Friend *weeps*. For giving me an advanced birthday present because I deserved it (rightly so!). For being the kid sister I never had. Love you Mridu from the bottom of my heart. :) I missed you SO SO SO much.
 
A special shout out to Ragu for his continuous help. For our late night brainstormings. For his classic wobble headmovement. For just being this NICE.
 
My A – For holding my hand. For comforting me. For wiping my tears. For listening to my sleep time talks. For hugging me. For not letting me fall.
Pyar Mein Hai Jeevan Ki Khushi, Deti Hai Khushi Kai Gham Bhi
Main Maan Bhi Loon Kabhi Haar. Tu Maane Na
 
 
The Pep-ness
 
Jagjit Singh Ji’s concert at The Edge. I have counted my stars several times for getting to witness his aura in my lifetime.
 
Su’s Baby shower. Played hostess. Some heavy duty baking and lots of organizing later it was a lovely evening!
 
A’s surprise birthday party. I finally managed to pull a surprise!
 
Shetty Anna’s farewell. Aah the dance of madness. The impromptu chorus of Teri Tirrchi Nazar Ne Dil ko Pencharr with tablaa on the table.
Day of Diva. Lots of Lavender, Aromatherapy.. Some girly moments, sips of Strawberry Lush and an incredible dinner at Ruan Thai with the boys!
 
Camping trip to Paihia. A much needed break. More here.
 
 
The Losses
 
Stupid decision with an area of 1200m2 and some 50k hectares. *smh*
 
Being too busy to lose touch with the buddies. Sorry Kanika, Mansi and Monu. Y’know I love you like crazy. I do. I do. I do.
 
The uncontrollable flow of tears after reading fake tweets regarding Jagjit Singh Ji. I have only cried once before like this. It took so long for me to hear his music again. The first time I heard Kal Chaudhavin Ki Raat thi tears rolled down my cheeks.
 
Faith in twitterville. The site allured me with its 140 characters marvelousness and gems (tweeps!!) who are now on my fb list. The site turned me off with pseudocelebs and fake people who made it a ghetto. How can I ever miss my lovelies – VanDiablo and Rohwit for being their constantly and making me laugh in tough times.
 
NaNoWriMo. Due to events post 28 October I couldn’t keep my pace up with the writing challenge. I will be better prepared for 2012. Yes, I will be. Sorry my dear sponsor. I know I’ve let you down.
 
 
The Hits. The online acclaim. The web of md610
 

This love story found so much adulation. Why, it brought me at least three offers for professional writing.


This destiny v/s talent short story promoted good debate on direct messages and gtalk chat windows.

My first audio story rendition found stupendous response and brought me so much love and and affection for my diction and voice. Some mistook me for a professional sound artist. Some mistook me for an RJ.
The audio rendition of this poem that I wrote several years ago struck a sensitive chord with people. I got a worried call from family back home. Had to convince my super huggable folks that the poem didn’y reflect anything that was happening to me personally.

The iPhone photographer in me found some sugah on Instagram. Check them here. Alternatively, check the imported Flickr stream here.
 
 
The Music. The best mate - iPod
(A big polar bear hug to my Santa who gave me the much desired Bose Acoustics Noise Cancelling Headphones)

Uff the madness. The addiction. This is clearly one of the BEST OSTs in recent times.


Delhi Belly. The situational tracks with perfect dose of pep pep pep. Special mention to end piece of Tere Siva, the sole love ballad.
 
Rockstar – Kun Faaya Kun. I am lost for words. Sheher Mein. Tum Ho. Aah the magic of ARR.
 
The Saadi Galli, The Laung Da Lashkara, The Char Baj Gaye, The Bekaraan, The Saibo, The Senorita, The Chammak Challo, The Madhubala, The Jugni, The Ooh La La
 
Adele. She captured my heart. She has a voice that is hopelessly beautiful. She helped me mend my broken heart somehow.
 
 
The Big Screen (Indian)
 
Dhobi Ghaat. Amazing debut by Kiran Rao. Beautiful screenplay. Heart-warming characters. Lovely thumris.
 
Pyaar Ka Punchnama. Hilarious dialogues. Boys perspective. Guilty conscious girls. Liquid FTW.
 
Shaitan. Loved loved loved. EXCEPT the last scene. Still not over Khoya Khoya Chaand!
 
I am Kalam. Promoted this gem as much as I could on social sites. BRILLIANT. Had a long chat with Pitobash about his work. Also, in the same breath let’s include Chillar Party.
 
Yeh Saali Zindagi. Chitrangda. Irrfan. Arunoday. Aditi. A heady cocktail of performances.
 
Chalo Dilli. A sweet tale. Beautiful ending.
 
Mujhse Fraandship Karoge. Nupur Asthana relieved the memories of Hipp Hipp Hurray with her movie directorial debut.
 
Saheb Biwi aur Gangster. The rustic look reminded me of Omkara. Fast paced screenplay and amazing supporting actors.
 
(HOPING TO FILL THIS SPACE). No, I still haven’t got a chance to catch The Dirty Picture or Rockstar. Yes KMN.
 
 
The Bald spots (The Duds. Pulled strands of hair)
 
7 Khoon Maaf. It was torture. Predictability got its new definition.
 
Yamla Pagla Deewana. The way Dharmendra behaved in the film he deserves to be punished.
 
Game. The mind numbing who dunnit. Still exasperating how Excel produced this!
 
Ready. 45 minutes into the movie I knew death will be better. And in the same breath let’s include Bodyguard here.
 
Murder 2. A soft porn production by the Bhatts. 30 minutes into the movie and I knew Jacqueline saved the costume budget.
 
Bbuddahh Hoga Tera Baap. Overdose of Big B. He needs to take it slow. No, really! Over exposure on social websites and then this horrendous narcissist portrayal.
 
Yes. I was sane enough not to finish watching the catastrophy thy name Ra.One. I am keen to know in which parallel universe is this a movie SRK created for kids with the disgusting sexual innuendos! Seriously, the moment I read this line in a review – ‘Kareena was shown sprinkling the ‘ash’ after they have buried the dead body’ I knew I won’t be watching it. EVER! But I still saw 20 minutes of this puke inducing movie after I challenged A that I’d rather watch Ra.One TWICE than watch Himes’ Dammadamm. I actually liked Dammadamm. :|
The Telly (The Wit. The Deductions)
 
Modern Family. Oh yes, Modern Family. This is clearly one of the best shows on telly today. The dry wit, the eclectic mix of characters, the take on Modern Families.
 
The Middle. Patricia Heaton’s portrayal as Frankie Heck is reminiscent of our moms. Sue Heck’s unbeatable spirits remind me hey everything will be fine!
 
HIMYM. Just when I had started to give up on the show, it picked up marvellously with the new season. Marshall and Lilly make me believe in stories that last forever.
 
Emmy’s 2011. ‘Aah welcome to the Modern Family Awards‘ (Jane Lynch). Aah Shelly Jim Parsons got his second Emmy, Aah Jim looked ridiculously cute while accepting it.
 
Sherlock. Aah Benedict Cumberbatch portraying the mystifying lead character in this contemporary take on Doyle’s literary work.
 
(Two & a Half Men. Reruns of Reruns. Not digging the new season. I feel like punching the smirky Ashton as soon as the title track begins.)
 
The Soul Stirrers ~ special mention for movies that not necessarily released in 2011 but were seen in 2011.
 
The Girl in Yellow Boots (2010). The movie left me disturbed. Twitterville suggested I’d watch Bol as well. I chose not to. My soul was shaken enough!
 
The Way Back They say it is part fiction part true. What I took from the movie is I WANT to believe a group of prisoners did walk their way from Siverian Gulag to India.
The Whistleblower (2010). This disturbed me and made me thank god for living in one of the safest places on earth. If this account by Kathryn Bolkovac (portrayed beautifully by Rachel Weisz) is true I feel violated. I feel helpless. I feel inhuman.
Contagion (Jennifer Ehle is brilliant), The Debt (except the shaky end) and MI4 (the Burj Khalifa scene scared the hell out of me). Trust (all the parents of teenage kids must watch)

महसूस


कई बार ऐसा हुआ है उसे मैंने महसूस किया है
आँखों का भ्रम कहो या मन का धुंदला विश्वास
कई बार उसने मेरे कंधो पे हाथ रखा है
जब भी पलट कर देखा वो धुंदला नज़र आया है

कई बार ऐसा हुआ है उसे मैंने महसूस किया है
उसने आँखों की सुजन को भी पढ़ा है
पहली बूँद जो टपकी झट से उसने  उठाया है
जब भी दूसरी बूँद टपकी मैंने उसे पिया है

कई बार ऐसा हुआ है उसे मैंने महसूस किया है
उसने मेरे उलझे बालों को सहलाया है
पहली लट जो उडी थी कानो के पीछे उसने घुमाया है
दूसरी लट जो उडी थी आँखों को उन्होंने चुभाया है

कई बार ऐसा हुआ है उसे मैंने महसूस किया है