Callousness and Me

I have seen people cry and depressed just because someone else said some thing really mean or nasty to them.  I have been at a stage where a mere higher raise of noise would bring make my eyes brimming with tears. But now the Mehak I am I hardly feel anything.

 The Pune bomb blast scared the hell out of me. It was around 4am NZT and I read about it on twitter. MrShri tweeted about it. That did make me sad. I was alone that time studying and felt I needed a hug to calm me. I was so scared.

But then things that people (read family or friends) say they do nothing to me now. I have just become so callous. I don’t care who said what/ who didn’t do what/who did do what. I am loving my callousness. Hurt is not felt after a point is reached where the body and mind endured endless hurt that you could never imagine. Be it someone saying nasty and gory things right onto your face or losing your parent.

Pain subsidizes in a while and something else takes its place. A hard hitting feeling where your heart is protected by a thick glass shield. The interiors of heart do not listen or care what is being said and when its not taken inside its thrown right back at the distant person. The callousness is indeed my strongest weapon now.

Only fear being what if the heart becomes resistant to the ones that *I* love. Will it hurt me if they are hurt? Will it pain if they say something to me?

I have stopped caring just about so many things in life. I just listen to what is happening and forget about it the minute the sentence is finished. I don’t care simply ’cause I have learnt to become selfish.

I have learnt that keeping yourself happy is a duty you owe to god and most important yourself!

I have learnt that if you are really sad about something do not make others sad by constantly talking about it. If you are sad for your one child do not become sad during the happiness of the other child. He/she doesn’t deserves it.

I have learnt that no matter how much tears you shed or no matter how much attention you attach to certain people’s perspective they are just not worth it!

I have learnt to say I am fine and stopped my tears coming out from the contours of my eyes and learnt to dry my wet lashes.

My smile is my camouflage and it hides my vulnerable side to the world.

I can proudly say come on – I am ready for brickbats and meanness and nasty-ness.

I am prepared. I have arrived.

10 thoughts on “Callousness and Me

  1. I can relate to the callousness you have tried to capture in the post. The emotion behind must be really strong as it has affected your post as well. The post is trying to do so many things at once… my view its the context that has made you so carefree…your age, what you are doing and the fact that you are alone, away from family and friends…its good that you feel like this and not the mirror opposite of being too emotional!

    Bottomline – blog on and express yourself

  2. i know what you mean. I too feel sometimes that “i have arrived” but after a while i am still the same. I get hurt, i cry, i feel bad … et al!! Sigh!

    here’s something for you…

    (((((HUGS)))) muaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! 😀 😀

  3. Nobody has the right to say cruel things to us, and words hurt as much as physical violence does. You are lucky if you are bale to find the strength to not be affected by ugly words.
    Yes you do have a duty towards yourself to be happy. Happy people are also fun to be with. Little things, petty things which hurt deserve to be ignored. I love these lines,
    “Bricks and stones
    Might break my bones
    But words can never hurt me.”

    Hope you continue to be so wise and so brave. Hugs.

  4. I would call it being strong rather than selfish. Yes you do deserve the happiness and peace because as you said (very well) that we owe it to God and to us..frankly even to our parents.

    I would rather be a sounding board than take on someones tension into my life because we have our own..(plenty of it) I’m glad you have reached that point where the end of the sentence is the end of your thoughts on the matter :).

    Good an insight into you :). I havent read all the others but will do soonish.

  5. While I read your blog, there were a flash of moments that just passed by me relating my personal experiences that i could 101% relate to.
    May be I wouldn’t really be able to understand what you exactly feel, or may be…it’s the same feeling within me.

    Call it callousness or the art of Moving on, guess u certainly HAVE ARRIVED.At least it makes you strong enough abt not getting hurt by your own people around you..

    Well Written Girl, keep going!!

  6. Change is the law of nature… you grow and you become wise and mature. And there r many phases that come and go. All you need is just strength to come over all those. Just rem, all the ppl who love you will always be around you, come what may.

    I know the dilli ki Mehak, the chirpy sweet gal who is just perfect in whatever she does… and I would not like her to change a bit.

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