Remnants


Most people sympathise with you but very few help lessen the absence of a lost parent. Warm thanks to all those in the latter category.

I wonder many times daily, how would my life be like if he was around. How our phone calls would be like? How often would we video chat or how would he react to my updates on fb.

I usually walk near a cemetery because the path is serene and majestic with a lake on the side. I imagine if my parents were visiting, I would go on walk with Papa.

The other day I was doing my evening walk and decided to read the many headstones there. Loving fathers, mothers, grandparents, heroes, rockstars! I read them all.

I kept walking and crying slowly. Felt this urgency to get to see him once more. Tell him how much I love him. That’s the last thing I told him in the hospital after kissing his forehead and telling him ‘I will see you in the morning‘. He heard me and nodded even though he was heavily sedated. The next morning was ugly.

Kept walking and reading the headstones. Read what legacy people had left behind.

As per Hindu traditions, everything is donated once the soul departs. My mom gave away everything. I remember fighting with her in Haridwar when she gave away his glasses. I cried. I screamed.

What no one knows is I stole one of his kurta. It is still with me. I smell it. After 7 years I still try to smell him.

I often think what all I could have done to undo things. Frankly. I could have done nothing.

Then I thought what can I do so that the life he left incomplete gets completed. Kept walking and reading the headstones.

Then I realised his whole life was spent in doing things for others. He never got to enjoy his own life.

I promised myself not to do that. To be selfish and live not little but lot.

I looked up in the sky while thinking what if he also had a grave that I could visit. A grave that was his remnant. That point I badly wanted some legacy, a remnant of him to touch and cry. Then I touched my heart.

I realised I am my father’s most precious legacy.

I have to wear the best shoes because he wore torn shoes.

I have to see the world because he told me he will not be able to come to NZ because he won’t live by then.

I have to be happy because he told me how he felt unloved.

Don’t worry Papa, I will be happy because whatever that is left of you is the entire me who has to live royally for both of us!

2 thoughts on “Remnants

  1. know wt mahak lost my pa last year unlike u i did nt evn get to see him with hs eyes open.,jst stood by his bedside watching senselessly the doc writing his death summary. i lived jst in his neighborhood spoke to hm a 100 times in a day visitd hs place n no.of times bt that day did nt rcv a single call n dont know y evn i did nt call. he left fr his office all hail n hearty in the morning n at 1pm we got a call to rush to the hospital in dwarka on the way i ws planning hw to brng him bck wt all care n precautions we’ll hv to plan & take bt the momnt i stepped in d icu the time jst stopped thr n thn fr me. evn today i dont hv the courage to delete his no. from my speeddial list i still keep wishing foolishly that the nxt knock on my door is going to be him,the nxt voice calling out my sons name is gonna be his beloved nanu…………………..nvr shed tears aftr his death or in the funeral bt today ur remnants n sharing all ths wrds my heart feels really heavy. Wsh hd a fairygod mother like cindrella who could jst erase that momnt fr evr n life would be bck with pa MISS HIM YAAR !

    • I am sending you all my positivity and warm hugs. Be happy he got to see you married. Be happy he got to see your son. There are many daughters out there who lost their fathers way before time. I know this is a petty condolence and utter bullshit when you are down and angry but yes, try to be happy for him. You are his legacy! Hugs.

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